Sport Utility Vehicle

Pinterest is a wonderful resource. I use it to find images of beautiful girls, so I can identify them and abduct them, then imprison them in my basement to use them as sex slaves – though, given my advancing age, I admit I am more likely to require them to do the washing up than to perform erotic acts. Still, I have a need for attractive young women who can provide both sexual pleasure and perform domestic chores. A sex-slave-cum-maidservant, if that doesn’t sound too vulgar.

The odd thing is that I hadn’t realised until quite recently that there already was an American term for such a girl that summarised her function perfectly. I came across it quite inadvertently. I’d been browsing through the images of potential new victims Pinterest was offering to me, and had found one very pretty girl whose charming smile had enchanted me. It even looked for a moment as if she had a pair of handcuffs attached to her bag, which would have proved useful when the time for her abduction came, but that turned out to be a mixture of wishful thinking and failing eyesight.

One more for the basement, I thought, and, since she hadn’t been identified by the person who had pinned her (again, apologies for any vulgarity that may be implied by the term), I did a Google Image Search to see if I could find her name, and, ideally, her address, or at least any lonely spots where she might be expected to wander alone after dark. Regrettably Google was unable to supply me with any of this information, which was unfortunate, but the directness of the term it used to refer to her rather took me aback.

So in the United States it seemed a girl one used for sexual amusement as well as practical tasks was called a sport utility vehicle. A vehicle? How far could a man be expected to go with a motoring metaphor? Do you want to take me off-road? If you fill me up I’ll give you a really good ride! was tempting enough, especially if you could slip in a reference to lubricant. Then you can use me for the week’s grocery shopping! didn’t have quite the same appeal, though the more I thought about it, the more appropriate I realised the term was. Rather demeaning, but apt.

Americans have a well-earned reputation for coming up with pithy new expressions, such as ‘think outside the box’ for ‘think’; ‘at this present moment in time’ for ‘now’; and ‘reach out to’ for ‘contact’. To this list we can now add ‘sport utility vehicle’ for ‘A young woman whose purpose is to be used both for sexual gratification and to perform simple household tasks – though not necessarily at the same time, except when in urgent need, or when one has specialised requirements of her.’

Thank you, Google, for alerting me to this compact and useful phrase. I shall try to put it to good use.